


Jan Valentine Dies of Blue Balls

by moescaria



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Blue Balls, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Daddy Kink, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moescaria/pseuds/moescaria
Summary: Jan Valentine has terminal horny disease. Not even the Doctor can save him.
Relationships: The Doctor/Jan Valentine
Kudos: 5





	Jan Valentine Dies of Blue Balls

**Author's Note:**

> This is a joke fic inspired by a discussion with a lovely friend of mine. I apologize in advance for this fic.

Life with Millennium on the Zeppelin got… quite boring for Jan Valentine, to say the least. Never did he think that he would come to such a low, finding a love interest in that hideous, withering, and probably prehistoric doctor who originally planted the chip inside of his body that transformed him into the artificial vampire he now is. Doctor Avondale Napyeer was a real character—anyone who had the pleasure of talking to him could say it was a mistake on their behalf, let alone paying too much attention to literally anything about him. (What the hell even  _ was _ his outfit?)

But alas, Jan saw something in him. Maybe it was the horrendously dark eye bags from seemingly weeks without an hour of sleep, or the stench the doctor radiated from several days without bathing. Jan thought it was quite endearing.

As the zeppelin was making its way over the city of Paris, Jan realized he had made a  _ huge  _ mistake—his emotions had overcome him. He had lost himself in one of the doctor’s rare displays of affection and had become rather… aroused. Dok had given Jan a raging boner, all from hugging him from behind and nuzzling his rather angular face into Jan’s sensitive neck. Jan  _ knew  _ he was a horndog, but was he  _ really _ that desperate?

‘He  _ had  _ to be teasing’, Jan thought—there was no possible way that one person could get so close and not expect to be fucked silly. Much to the taller man’s surprise, Jan turned around in Dok’s grasp and grinned, looking up to see comically-magnified eyes peering from underneath thick lenses, Jan’s own eyes trailing down to the  _ miniscule _ bulge between his lover’s legs. Dok spoke with a rather anxious tone,

_ “Wh-... Am I doing something wrong?”  _

Jan could only grin. 

_ “Of course not, daddy, you’re only making me harder.” _

Silence— _ definitely _ not the response Jan was hoping for. Previously wandering eyes glanced back up at Dok’s expression, and he looked as though he could kill. 

_ Yikes. _

Yes, he would kill Jan Valentine in cold blood, nothing to be said of the tragedy amongst his peers. They wouldn’t even realize he was gone. Dok would make sure of it. A deep, commanding voice brought Jan back to the situation at hand,

_ “...Excuse me?”  _

Ah, perhaps it had just been a misconception? Jan decided to try his luck with his lover one last time,

_ “You’re making me reaaaal hard… What do you say you help fix this?”  _

A sigh from the doctor.

_ “I-... No Jan, I heard you. You’re a filthy animal.” _

As if it couldn’t get worse, it did. Jan was  _ mortified.  _ He was panicking—maybe he could fix this? 

_ “Ah-! But Avon, baby, I was… err, I was only trying to-” _

He’d been cut off. How  _ dare _ he!

_ “That’s it, I’ve truly had enough of you. You won’t be receiving any sexual gratification from me for a week. Dogs like you deserved to be punished.”  _

Another wave of silence… no, that punishment simply wouldn’t do. He _ couldn’t  _ go a week without sex, let alone jerking off. Who did this bitch think he was?

_ “You- You can’t! You can’t leave me like this! Please, I’ll do anything! I’ll have to cum in the toilet, babe! You’re gonna make me waste precious cum, just like that! Please, just let me cum in your ass! It’ll take three minutes tops!”  _

Jan was on the ground, tugging at the edge of Dok’s lab coat. It was a lost cause—Jan’s fate had been decided once the word  _ ‘daddy’ _ had left his mouth.

———————————————————————

Jan Valentine died of blue balls.

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s me shamelessly promoting my Hellsing Discord server. Join if you’d like! ^^
> 
> https://discord.gg/DGmm5tZvxF


End file.
